On solitude, community, and the part of me I had forgotten for years.
For a long time, I believed I knew who I was. In many ways I did. But one important piece was still missing, and it took me years to find it.
What solitude taught me
Living in solitude taught me who I am, what my needs are, which values to treasure, and what direction to follow. All of that came from the frequent guidance I received directly from the source, or God.
What community added
Living in a community expanded this. It taught me to live a life bigger than just myself, to understand group dynamics, and to connect my basic needs with the needs of others through mutual respect, listening, and sharing.
The missing piece
Even in a community, I was not meeting myself in the deep, unconscious way that is possible in a relationship. I knew what my traumas were and what pain I was carrying, and I even shared them with others in an intimate way. Yet it did not help me connect to that experience from my childhood, live it through in a different light, and heal from it.
Meeting the little boy
In late 2024, I was able to meet the little boy within me who is crying out for help, love, connection, and physical touch so he can feel safe.
It took a while to understand what was actually happening. Yes, I was conscious of my inner anger, fear, anxiety, and desperation, yet I had no idea what to do with them. I limited my choices to either suppressing or expressing them, and the latter mostly prevailed. I kept getting stuck and hopeless, and in the end I abandoned myself, which means I forgot, and failed to stand for, the values I had long cherished.
It was painful. I was hurting myself and others because I still had not understood my lesson.
When it finally clicked
Everything changed in spring 2026, when many puzzles came together from different directions and it finally clicked.
This little boy in me does not need to be expressed in a violent way. What he needs is to be held, loved, understood, and listened to.
There was also a second, very important part of the lesson: I do not need to wait for another person, whether a parent, partner, or friend, to love my pain body, my little hurt child. The only person who can meet this little boy is me.
What I had been avoiding
I thought I was an adult and a mature man, but this realization showed me that I could not be a mature man while my inner child was still crying out loud. Throughout my journey, I had completely forgotten and abandoned this part of me, hiding deep in my subconscious.
I regularly did yoga, meditation, breathing practices, and other exercises. Now I see that they were mostly a coping mechanism to avoid the inner pain and stress I carried. I was not ready to meet my inner child and give him what he needs and what it takes to be a grown man.
Am I there now?
Not yet. But I am grateful to have realized that every time I meet my hurt self, I can give him exactly what he needs:
“You are safe. You do not need to protect yourself or fight for survival anymore. Everything is alright, I have you. You can rest on my shoulder and cry. It is okay. I love you.”
If you carry something similar, I invite you to pause for a moment. Is there a part of you that has been crying out, maybe for years, while you kept busy with everything else? You don’t have to fix anything. You can simply notice it, and ask what it needs.